It’s been a month since I have done any significant artwork. I have made myself doodle and sketch a bit but after the end of school and the stress of being in my first art show, as well as jumping right into full-time hours at the garden center, I simply haven’t been in the mood. I haven’t even done my morning pages, something I've been doing nearly everyday for 3 years now. I think I was just completely tapped out. Today though I was able to face the disaster I call my studio. All the artwork I have done from my last semester was strewn all over. From the drafting table to the floor, drawings and print folders, plaster molds, turpentine jars, sandpaper, wire and paintings leaning against every wall. The floor was barely visible.
As I picked up and moved my artwork it almost seemed like they belonged to someone else. I’m surprised at how easily I slipped right back into the daily grind. It honestly felt as though I had not gone to school for the last year. Increasingly I've begun to feel like a fraud, a fake. Artist? Ha. Lost and wondering where the heck I am and where am I supposed to go? It reminds me a little how I felt a few years ago when my husband and I, piggy backing our kids, got lost walking around looking for a McDonald's in Washington, D.C. at 10 o’clock at night. That night in Washington makes my top 5 of the scariest moments of my life. Quitting my job to go to art school also makes that list and the worry that it will all be for nothing can creep up there at times as well.
Over the last few weeks, even though I've been on an emotional roller-coaster, I had glimpses, moments of reassurance and reminders about what I've learned and how far I've come. My daughter who is 9 was drawing different facial expressions. They were very good expressions! I thought maybe she might like to be shown how to draw a realistic face with proper proportions so I started to draw a face. It actually looked like someone’s face! I couldn't have done that in a 2 minute sketch 9 months ago. I couldn't do it at all. I've also started to notice things again, like the bloom on the Impatien I mentioned in my last post, the magnificent sunrise on my way to work…. my thoughts went down a familiar path - oooh, that would make such a gorgeous painting! I should print that this summer. I need to get to Curry’s and get some nice paper and the Japanese Paper Place and Sculpture Supply - I've got to make time!
Tonight I feel relieved. I feel like I’m going to sleep soundly because right now all is right in my art world again and tomorrow the work begins.
As I picked up and moved my artwork it almost seemed like they belonged to someone else. I’m surprised at how easily I slipped right back into the daily grind. It honestly felt as though I had not gone to school for the last year. Increasingly I've begun to feel like a fraud, a fake. Artist? Ha. Lost and wondering where the heck I am and where am I supposed to go? It reminds me a little how I felt a few years ago when my husband and I, piggy backing our kids, got lost walking around looking for a McDonald's in Washington, D.C. at 10 o’clock at night. That night in Washington makes my top 5 of the scariest moments of my life. Quitting my job to go to art school also makes that list and the worry that it will all be for nothing can creep up there at times as well.
Over the last few weeks, even though I've been on an emotional roller-coaster, I had glimpses, moments of reassurance and reminders about what I've learned and how far I've come. My daughter who is 9 was drawing different facial expressions. They were very good expressions! I thought maybe she might like to be shown how to draw a realistic face with proper proportions so I started to draw a face. It actually looked like someone’s face! I couldn't have done that in a 2 minute sketch 9 months ago. I couldn't do it at all. I've also started to notice things again, like the bloom on the Impatien I mentioned in my last post, the magnificent sunrise on my way to work…. my thoughts went down a familiar path - oooh, that would make such a gorgeous painting! I should print that this summer. I need to get to Curry’s and get some nice paper and the Japanese Paper Place and Sculpture Supply - I've got to make time!
Tonight I feel relieved. I feel like I’m going to sleep soundly because right now all is right in my art world again and tomorrow the work begins.